Dearest Sir or Madam,
First, by way of introduction, allow me to present my bona fides. My name is T.O. Trapper, proprietor of Old Trapper Beef Jerky and Smoked Snacks Inc.
headquartered in Forest Grove, Oregon and purveyor of the finest beef jerky
this great nation has to offer. As you might imagine, I'm a man who's greatly concerned with the integrity of American snack food, which is what's caused me to put pen to paper today to craft this open letter to you.
An Outrage, And It's Not Pretty!
I've recently been informed that a small group of undesirables has been circulatin' a recipe for Kale Jerky
on the electronic interwebs. Now I don't claim to be familiar with Kale, but my research department tells me it's not an animal-based food, and because mineral-based foods are neither tasty nor edible, I'm left with the sinkin' suspicion that Kale, is in fact, a vegetable. I pray my supposition is in error, but I fear it is not.
The notion of hard-working Americans consuming a dried, jerked vegetable AS A SNACK makes this Trapper sick to his stomach. It's nothin' less than an assault on the American way of life.
A Time and A Place
Now, please, do not misunderstand me. Vegetables play an important role in our society. They look beautiful served on a plate next to a cheeseburger or as a vehicle for ranch dressin' transportation, but that is it. The notion of hard-working Americans consuming a dried, jerked vegetable AS A SNACK makes this Trapper sick to his stomach. It's nothin' less than an assault on the American way of life. Now I come to you, proud Americans, hat in hand, askin' for your help in facing this menace head-on.
Make a pledge not to consume vegetable-based jerky snacks. If a friend or co-worker offers you Kale Jerky, report them to local authorities. Petition your congressional representative to take action, mandatin' a beef-only jerky standard in all publicly funded universities and spaces. And, whenever possible, support beef jerky manufacturers
who are doin' it the right way, every day. The threat is real and oh so grave, dear friends. But by actin' together, we can stand up for a uniquely American snack at this important juncture in history. All My Best,