Dearest Sir or Madam,First, by way of introduction, allow me to present my bona fides. My name is T.O. Trapper, proprietor of Old Trapper Beef Jerky and Smoked Snacks Inc. headquartered in Forest Grove, Oregon and purveyor of the finest beef jerky this great nation has to offer. As you might imagine, I'm a man who's greatly concerned with the integrity of American snack food, which is what's caused me to put pen to paper today to craft this open letter to you.
An Outrage, And It's Not Pretty!I've recently been informed that a small group of undesirables has been circulatin' a recipe for Kale Jerky on the electronic interwebs. Now I don't claim to be familiar with Kale, but my research department tells me it's not an animal-based food, and because mineral-based foods are neither tasty nor edible, I'm left with the sinkin' suspicion that Kale, is in fact, a vegetable. I pray my supposition is in error, but I fear it is not.
The notion of hard-working Americans consuming a dried, jerked vegetable AS A SNACK makes this Trapper sick to his stomach. It's nothin' less than an assault on the American way of life.