Word of your recent incarceration reached me just yesterday and I do wish I'd been alerted to your plight much sooner. As a maker and purveyor of the world's finest beef jerky, I understand the unique allure of that smokey deliciousness, but as a law-fearin' man, I cannot condone theft of any kind. After all, respect for our American code of justice is all that keeps our society from spiralin' into chaos.
One shudders to imagine a world where beef jerky is enjoyed only by those with the strength to take it by force, while the meek and peaceful souls among us are forced to find their dietary protein in tofu or by consumin' massive quantities of garbanzo beans. I don't know about you, but that's not a world in which I'd wish to live.
Dishin' Out Some Tough Love
I'm not here to lecture you, good sir, but as a well-known beef jerky thought-leader with a respected public profile, I'm expected to speak out on issues such as these. So today, I'm officially condemning your act of beef jerky banditry and I implore you to serve your debt to society in humble contrition.
There's room in this Trapper's heart for forgiveness as I believe few men are true lost causes. So upon your release I'm prepared to greet you with open arms. But the next time a hankerin' arises for more of that irresistible smoked meat, please visit my electronic tradin' post to find your fix. We offer $7.00 flat shippin' no matter how large your order. It's safe, it's legal, and it's a square deal all around. These day, a man can't ask for much more than that.