Beauty is Skin Deep

Hello Friends,

Though it's often of profound embarrassment to this Old Trapper, my fans often enquire as to how I've managed to preserve my fine facial features over these many decades. In fact, I receive letter after letter comparing me to the great beauties of the world (your Eastwoods, Waynes, and Cashs, if you will) and asking after my beauty secrets. Of course, by the Code of the Trapper, laid down eons ago, I'm duty-bound to reply.

Daily Regime

Any beauty expert will tell you that it's your daily routine that determines how your skin will age. What the exact routine is, however, makes all the difference in the world. Over the past many years, I've honed my own routine into something of a science. It breaks down thusly:

• Exfoliate: Removing dead and sun-damaged skin is the first step in any good beauty routine. I find that jagged rocks, tree bark, or tortoise shells work best but I have tougher than average skin. If you think these applications might be too rough for your face flesh, you could switch to something softer like, I don't know, a moist paper towel?

• Hydrate: After you've exposed that new, virgin skin, it's time to give it the moisture it so desperately needs. I use a proprietary combination consisting of two parts Mt. Hood glacier runoff, one part Rouge River bank mud, and one part Grizzly Bear scat. It's an intense experience, but I guarantee results.

• Protect: Now that your skin is fresh and moisturized, it's vital you protect it from the damaging effects of the sun. Some so-called experts recommend you stay out of the sun altogether, but nothing truly productive has been done indoors. Instead, I recommend wearing a thick mask of moist clay. If you don't want to go about your day wih your face covered in clay, you could also probably just wear a hat.

Be Diligent

Now I've shown you how I, noted trapper T.O. Trapper, keeps his skin beautiful through year after year of hard living. I trust my methods will work for you. But just remember, it may never be possible to match my own otherworldly beauty and that's okay. Because I think you're beautiful just the way you are.

All My Best,