Beef Jerky Theft on the Rise

Hello Friends,

I've written in the past about the scourge of beef jerky banditry in the hopes of avertin' a most heinous crime wave, but it appears my efforts have so far been in vain. Jerky theft continues unabated as demonstrated in this story about a pint-sized perpetrator from ABC 7 News in Denver, Colorado:
“He looked like a young kid, maybe 11 or 12, which was just bizarre,” said Caroline Palmer, who walked in on a stranger sitting on her couch in her west Denver home on Friday, Sept. 4.  "The television was on, blaring. He was watching Japanese anime cartoons on my Netflix account." The burglar bolted out her back door, leaving behind a bizarre crime scene. “He had eaten an entire bag of beef jerky and then there was a box of raisins,” said Palmer, shaking her head. “And there were 10 pieces of chewed gum left in the sink.”
Now there may yet be time to reform this youngin into a law abidin' beef jerky consumer. I suspect it would require just a bit of wilderness time and a bout of bear wrasslin' but it's not too late. The future is not so bright for this fella' in Texas as The Times Record News reports:
The owner of Keeno’s Beef Jerky, located at 4716 Jacksboro Highway, had the displeasure of finding out the front glass door to his business had been shattered with a crowbar found left inside the store. On top of that, nearly $250 of his product, including more than 4 pounds of the prized, award-winning Kickin’ T-bone beef jerky, had been stolen.
No doubt that delicious beef jerky is currently packed inside a shippin' container and being smuggled into some lawless no-mans-land where freedom and beef jerky have not yet made inroads. In that environment, jerky is more valuable than gold. As a society we must come down on this criminal element with the full force of law. We owe it to our children. In the meantime, I encourage all you law-abidin' beef jerky lovers to visit my online mercantile where you can purchase the world's best beef jerky for a fair price.

All My Best,

Old Trapper Signature