Like many Americans, I spend my fall weekends glued to the movin' picture box watchin' my favorite football teams battle for supremacy on the gridiron. Because I spent much of the twentieth century removed from civilized society, I cannot lay claim to any one team. Instead I find myself rootin' for teams with players I've drafted for my own fantasy team.
Your Personal Fantasy Guru
You may be surprised to hear I play fantasy sports, what with my frequent complaints concernin' the state of the modern world, but I do know a good thing when I see it. Why just last week I gathered with a few close friends as we conducted our own snake draft (where, oddly enough, no actual snakes were featured). I do feel my squad is well prepared for the upcomin' campaign and I expect to, once again, take home the championship trophy, which is actually just a tree brach. Nevertheless, over the last two years I've managed to master the game and will now offer you my tips for dominatin' your league this year:
The Best Offense is a Good Defense: This bromide is never more true than in the fantasy game. Some so-called experts will tell you to spend your first pick on a runnin' back, but to that I say, 'pish-posh.' When your fellow league members mock your unconventional pick (and they no doubt will), take comfort in the knowledge that the taste of victory will be especially delicious.
Tap Your Sources: No doubt you're close personal friends with any number of professional football players, so don't be afraid to use any inside information to your benefit. Why just last week I consulted with my good friend Mr. Tom B. (a very important figure in the NFL) and discovered a certain a-list quarterback's suspension would be much less severe than originally expected. I used that newfound information in my draft and it's already payin' off handsomely.
Choose the End of the Line: Tight Ends are often overlooked and under appreciated in fantasy, but that's where my foolproof system is different. They're tough enough to block any down lineman, yet graceful enough to catch a pass. They're basically poetry in motion and because I'm such a fan of poetry, I strongly suggest draftin' no fewer than 5 TE's. Trust me, there's room enough on your bench.
Draft a Quarterback: Don't forget to pick a QB! You know, somewhere in the final rounds.
There you have it. Forget mock drafts or endless research. Simply follow my proven method and instantly become the envy of your league. All I ask for in return is your continued patronage.