Graduation Advice from the Old Trapper: Kippered Beef Steak is the Key to Academic Success

As the calendar turns from May to June, I am inevitably asked my opinion as to the state of today’s youths as they graduate from this country’s secondary schools and institutes of higher learning. My answer is always the same: “I don’t know, I haven’t met most of ’em.”

Now, that doesn’t sit well with some folks who want me to either light a bonfire of outrage or sing songs of praise. But truth is, I don’t like to judge a man, woman, or fresh-faced graduate until I’ve shared a campfire and maybe a few strips of Kippered Beef Steak with them.

Many do not find that answer altogether satisfying. But due to my generally positive nature, I cannot rightly form an opinion on an entire group of graduates. However, I believe them to be inherently good and likely concerned with the state of their own future. In that regard, I suspect I can help. Over my inconspicuously long life, I’ve collected a few precious pearls of wisdom I’d be more than happy to impart on these newly minted adults. Pay heed, young ones...

Work Hard, Eat Tender

You’ve no doubt heard the saying, “Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” I’m here to tell you, that’s garbage. Work is work. It’s often unpleasant, but it’s always necessary. And many times, work is most unpleasant when it’s most necessary. Being a real adult means sometimes just buckling down and doing what must be done.

Just like packing a bag for the trail —you might wish you could carry only the light stuff, but without hearty Kippered Beef Steak tucked inside, you’ll find yourself weak and wanting when the real work begins. Bring the good stuff. Do the hard work. That’s how you make it.

Cougars are Not to be Trusted

This may seem like some kind of odd non-sequitur but I assure you, I’m deadly serious. At some point in your life you may be unfortunate enough to encounter a cougar, mountain lion, or puma in the wild. If this does occur, do not trust her tax advice, relationship tips, or beauty secrets. They will lead you on a road to ruin. Take it from one who’s been there.

At All Cost, Avoid Debt, Summers in the Southern Hemisphere, and German Autos Manufactured Before 1970’s

This is self-explanatory.

As the Bard said, “To Thine Own Self be True.”

Work to form your own sense of right and wrong that will guide you through difficult decisions. Without a strong value system in place, a choice such as, “Do I buy Peppered or Teriyaki Kippered Beef Steak today?” might tear a man asunder.

Kippered Beef Steak Keeps Your Brain Fueled

Now, I am not saying that a slab of Kippered Beef Steak will teach you calculus or write your senior thesis for you, but if you are looking for the true key to academic success, you would be wise to start with the basics. And the basics always include good fuel. When the books are stacked high and the hours grow long, you need something hearty to keep your mind sharp and your spirit strong. That is where Old Trapper’s Kippered Beef Steak comes in.

Packed with protein and flavor, this is not some flimsy, cheap beef snack that leaves you crashing after twenty minutes. No, sir. Kippered Beef Steak sticks with you, keeps your belly full, and gives your brain the steady energy it needs to wrestle with ancient philosophers, algebraic proofs, or whatever else the professors throw your way.

So when the midnight oil is burning low and your patience is wearing thinner than a summer creek, tear open a pack of Kippered Beef Steak. It will get you across the finish line, fresher and stronger than you ever thought possible.

Seriously, Stay Away from the Cougars

I feel the need to circle back on this one because it’s that important. The wild is beautiful, but it’s also full of dangers—some with fur and teeth and some wearing sharp suits or shiny promises. Cougars come in many forms, friends, and none of them are lookin’ out for your best interests.

When trouble starts prowling around, you don’t want to be weak or distracted. You want to be strong, focused, and fed on the best fuel around: Old Trapper’s Kippered Beef Steak. Its protein power gives you the strength to climb, run, or stare danger right in the face.

Keep your wits about you, keep a strip of Kippered Beef Steak in your pocket, and stay wary of things with too many teeth.

Chart Your Course With Kippered Beef

Today’s graduates will travel as far and as wide as their dreams and their boots will carry them. The world’s a mighty big place, and it’s full of lessons yet to be learned. But if you leave here today remembering nothing else, remember this: Trust your gut, trust your gear, and trust your Kippered Beef Steak.