Seeing as how I'm America's foremost outdoorsman, I often receive questions about this country's most legendary wild creatures. "Mr. Trapper," they'll ask. "Have you ever battled the mythical Florida Skunk Ape or set eyes on the Jersey Devil?" or "Has a Chupacabra ever become tangled in one of your trap lines?" The short answer to these questions is no. I have it on good authority that the last Jersey Devil died out some 300 years ago after a meal of spoiled antelope remains and the Chupacabra all migrated south in the early 1800's because the American southwest was becoming too "touristy." As for the Florida Skunk Ape, the notion of a large, fur covered humanoid living in a region with such high humidity is simply ridiculous.
But What of Bigfoot?
Perhaps the most common question I receive concerns the mythic cryptid Bigfoot (the plural being Bigfeet, of course.) Considering that my home territory is the majestic forests of the Pacific Northwest, many assume I've naturally encountered this legendary creature. Some point me to the renowned Patterson Footage of a purported Bigfoot filmed in Northern California in 1967 as proof of the beast's existence.
The Truth Revealed
Friends, it's time the truth came out in regards to this famous film. The animal you see here is no Bigfoot. How do I know for certain? Because the beast you see in this film is none other than yours truly. You see, in 1967 I'd spent some 75 years wandering the wildest places in this country and still wasn't quite ready to emerge into the strange new world that had sprung up around me. I know the creature in the footage bears little resemblance to the handsome fellow you see every day on your computer and TV screens but there's a simple explanation. I just hadn't shaved in a very long time.