The Forest Survival Guide

Surviving the Forest With Old-Fashioned Beef Jerky

I've spent decades wandering the world's wildest places, and in that time I've often found myself in dangerous scrapes and on the short end of long odds. Until now, I've managed to come out on top, and I'll be the first to admit that Lady Luck has lent her hand to me a time or three. Of course, luck just won't cut it alone when you're wandering the most rugged of trails; you need a good head on your shoulders, a good map in your hands, and a good stash of old-fashioned beef jerky (https://oldtrapper.com/collections/old-fashioned) in your pack.

But you can't spend as much time out of doors as I have without taking away a few key learnings for staying safe in the forest. So, let me share some hard-won wisdom to help you stay safe and sound when the forest calls.

Bear Necessities: Guard Your Portable Protein Wisely

Grizzlies are a fact of life in my neck of the woods. They can be grumpy, especially when they crawl out of their hibernation burrows in the springtime and get a whiff of the delicious high-protein snacks in your bag. And when they get grumpy, their first instinct is to devour you whole — which you can imagine is not ideal.

Now, you may hear all sorts of advice about bear encounters: carry bear spray, make noise, or avoid them altogether. But I offer a method that has served me well in dire circumstances. If a grizzly charges, meet it head-on—literally. A swift uppercut to the jaw will stun the beast, giving you the opportunity to hoist its limp body over your head and hurl it toward its den.

Once the bear regains consciousness, it will be impressed by your display of moral courage and show deference to you in all future interactions.*

*(LEGAL DISCLAIMER 1.1: THIS APPROACH TO URSA MANAGEMENT IS ONLY APPROVED FOR OLD TRAPPERS AND NOT THE GENERAL PUBLIC.)

Beef Snacks: The Cure For Rattler Venom?

In the western high desert, rattlesnakes are as much a part of the scenery as the sagebrush and sunsets. They're especially active at dusk, which, coincidentally, is also my favorite time for an evening stroll. By my count, I've been bitten by rattlers more than seven dozen times. Doctors are always telling me such things as "you're a medical miracle," and "stop walking barefoot through rattlesnake country." I pay such things no mind.

The first rattler bite wasn't pleasant, I'll admit. As the venom coursed through my veins, I felt a brief flush and, for a moment, thought I might lose my most recent meal. However, the thought of wasting that precious stomach full of my patented old-fashioned beef jerky (https://oldtrapper.com/products/beef-jerky-old-fashioned?Single+Bag=10+oz) was enough to steel my will. The feeling passed quickly, and within ten minutes I was as good as new.

Nowadays, a rattler bite feels no more bothersome than a mosquito's sting. With time, you'll likely find the same to be true. I'm not saying my old-fashioned beef jerky is a miracle cure for venomous snake bites, but it certainly can't hurt.*

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER 1.2: MR T.O. TRAPPER IS NOT A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OR SNAKE HANDLER. BEEF JERKY, ALBEIT DELICIOUS, IS NOT AN APPROVED TREATMENT FOR SNAKE VENOM.)

Cougar Sightings (Preferably Far Behind You)

I've learned a thing or two about bravery in my many years. Some young gents might tell you bravery means never backing down from a fight, and there was a time when I might just have agreed. But as I've grown older and wiser, I find myself deferring to The Bard as he said, "Discretion is the better part of valor."

So, friends, when you're faced with the most cunning and deadly creature in the forest, your best bet is to hide. And while it pains me to even put these words to paper, there is one surefire way to get a hungry cougar off your tail: toss a few high-protein snacks (https://oldtrapper.com/products/beef-jerky-bulk-old-fashioned?Size=Case+of+12+%7C+10+oz) in one direction and then head in the other. There's no way a cougar could resist the delicious aroma of my tender, old-fashioned beef jerky. It's scientifically impossible. And once you've escaped, you can take all the time you need to mourn the loss of your favorite trail snacks. That's why I always pack extra.

Pro-tip: I've found that cougars are particularly partial to my double eagle beef jerky (https://oldtrapper.com/products/double-eagle-bulk-old-fashioned?Size=Jar+-+80+Count). That's why I made them circular: so you can fling them off into the bushes like a discus to distract those foul beasts.

Through Trials and Tribulations, Old-Fashioned Beef Jerky Sees You Through

No matter what adventures the forest holds, the key to survival lies in preparation. Before you set out, you must ensure you're properly outfitted with essentials (https://oldtrapper.com/blogs/old-trapper/possibles-bags-5-key-items), and chief among these is lean, high-quality protein.

While the most seasoned adventurers might be able to whip up a batch of smoked meat snacks from scratch, the rest of us must rely on trusted suppliers. A reliable stash of ready-to-eat old-fashioned beef jerky is not only practical but downright delicious when hunger strikes deep in the wilderness.

The Best Jerky For Outdoor Adventures

Once again, I thank you humbly for reading the musings of an Old Trapper. My hope is that these simple tips for forest survival will make your next outing more enjoyable and less deadly. At the very least, you'll get to enjoy my tender, wood-smoked, old-fashioned beef jerky in some of the best locales nature has to offer. Just watch out for the times when nature decides she wants you to share.

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER 1.3: THE PRECEDING POST, WHILE ENTERTAINING, IS A WORK OF FICTION (WE THINK) AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS PROFESSIONAL ADVICE. ONLY TRAINED EXPERTS SHOULD HANDLE WILD ANIMALS OR SPEND TIME ALONE IN THE FOREST.)