Cats Rule. There. I Said It

Since my emergence from the wilderness these many years ago, I’ve discovered endless new joys associated with the modern way of life: like sports, good friends, and plenty of savory snacks. But until very recently, I’ve hesitated to do any kind of real settling down. Call it a deeply ingrained wanderlust or maybe just an old-fashioned fear of commitment — either way, apart from running my sprawling beef jerky empire, I’ve kept pretty much to myself. But the time has come for that to change.

The Cat’s Meow

Now, spending too much time alone pondering the complexities of one’s own mind can lead to some mighty strange thoughts, and recently, one of my most trusted employees suggested it might be in my best interest to get a pet.

Now you all may be well aware of my complicated relationship with big cats — and if you ever see that cougar, you tell her I’m keeping a tally of every pound of beef jerky she steals from me. But after careful consideration, I decided a small to medium cat couldn’t pose much of a threat. I’m a pretty big guy, after all.

So I wandered down to our local Humane Society to check out their kittens for adoption and found the cutest little critter you ever did see. I named him Smoke, for obvious reasons.

Cats Are the Best

After spending countless hours with my newest buddy, I’m prepared to say that (small to medium) cats are the best. Here’s why:

• Independence: Like any good mountain man, a cat is called to care for his needs alone. You won’t see any cat begging for food or belly scratches or attention from their owner. Your average cat is happy simply watching its own tail swing back and forth. I appreciate their philosophical spirit.
• Curiosity: Now, those without vision often chalk this up as a negative, but I disagree. Curiosity fosters growth, and I applaud our feline friends for their attempts at self-improvement. I strive to apply a similar degree of curiosity to my beef jerky R&D.
• Hygiene: A proper gentleman is a clean gentleman, and my boy Smoke keeps himself tip-top. Now, there’s an idea... I should find a little top hat for him to wear.

Cat Translator

Cat behavior can be hard to read. For the first few days, I would examine Smoke’s inscrutable orange eyes in search of answers… to why he kept throwing up on my pure white sheepskin rug, mostly. I mean, come on, the wood floor boards were right there. But in time, I came to interpret Smoke’s strange ways and form my own cat translator. Observe:

• Meowing: This is how Smoke carries on a conversation. Despite never attending school, the little fellow has some fascinating ideas on public policy.
• Purring: A melodic hum of contentment, likely aimed at securing additional snacks.
• Scratching the furniture: In this way, Smoke reminds me that all physical possessions are fleeting. Just another aspect of his sensitive soul I appreciate.
• Sleeping in my favorite chair and refusing to move: Smoke is firmly anti-establishment. He does not respect the claims I lay to the best chair in the house, and for that, I respect him more.
• Showing his belly: The animal equivalent of a bear trap. DO NOT ENGAGE. Proceed with extreme caution.

One Major Drawback

Sorry to say, my new furry friend did come with one significant drawback. When I took him to my local horse doctor for his shots and check-up, I got the bad news: little Smoke can’t be on the all-beef jerky diet. Yes, I was heartbroken too.

Not being able to share my life’s passion with my new best pal was a major blow. My dreams of Smoke as a taste-tester and quality control specialist all went up in — well, you know.

Cats Are a Trapper’s Best Friend

Now I promise I won’t be one of “those” pet owners who’ll clog your Instagram feed with photos of my little buddy and our adventures. But I did want to share the news because I do think of y’all out there in the digital intertubes as my extended family. Now if you wouldn’t mind, please purchase an item or four from my web store. I have a son to feed now.